When Kaia* was a baby, I would put my feet up on the coffee table at my parents’ house with my knees bent and sit her up on my legs facing me. She was only 6 weeks old when one day, I kept staring into her eyes, sticking my tongue out at her over and over again. This went on for several minutes, until all of a sudden, she stuck her tongue back out at me and I was so surprised that I shrieked and started crying and laughing uncontrollably. I could not believe that she was so smart and engaged. And then she smiled and did a little chortle right back at me. She had a sparkle in her eye as she kept sticking her tongue out at me, waiting until I would laugh, and then she would let out her own little laugh. I knew she would be a troublemaker like me. It was the first primal connection that I had ever had in my whole life, other than the ones I do not remember because of death.Read More
My depression is a patriarchal, oppressive abuser. It taunts me with how I don’t live up to the standards that my culture has set for me—standards that are fucking bullshit, impossible to achieve, and have nothing to do with what I want in life.Read More
It is so incredibly difficult to carry grief, guilt, and fear yet still allow myself to sit in love, happiness, and gratitude. On the days that Lu is not here, I often allow myself to dive deep into the grief and sadness I feel over the decline of Kaia.*Read More
“The first thing that Kaia* would ever teach me is that I can trust myself.”
I found a story I wrote in 2002 about giving birth to Kaia and how it was something that gave me personal peace. I was stunned by how much the story’s themes still thread themselves throughout our lives.Read More
There’s a short window in many young women’s lives—after they are primarily daughters, and before they are primarily wives or partners or mothers. I think about this period of time a lot, maybe with similar fascination that the photographer Sally Mann had with the age of twelve for girls. It’s a transition from one you to another you, and we can learn a lot about womanhood by gazing into this window.Read More
When I said that I was taking a social media break, I didn’t mean it like how normal people regularly take time off from social media to focus on the important things in their lives. I meant it in a way where I realized a while ago that social media engagement and mindless scrolling are specific behaviors that I use to avoid feeling anything, and so I decided to begin a break on a very specific day—a day after the election was over.
Another reason that I decided I needed a social media break is because I have started to realize that I create a lot of content that people enjoy and find helpful and that it all belongs to someone else and can be taken from me at any time. I learned that lesson when I was randomly—and apparently permanently—suspended from Twitter, without any recourse. There is nothing that you can do to guarantee your access to any platform. You can follow the rules like I did, and you can still be arbitrarily banned.Read More